Why can’t my love life be simple?

Okay, so I’ve been friends with this guy for quite a while. He’s one of those guys that’s just a friend, but i’ve always wondered if something more would happen.

He doesn’t live nearby, so a few weeks ago he said he was going to stay at one of my friends for a few days. He told me this a few weeks before, so we ended up talking more and more. Then I noticed he was sending me signals. Putting hearts at the end of messages and saying about how my ex boyfriend was lucky to have me, even though it didn’t work out. However, because I have misinterpreted things before with guys, I decided to ignore the signals. We had this whole plan that I would pick him up from the station and then we’d get something to eat. But because of the snow my mum had forbidden me to drive anywhere. Little did I know he’d arranged to meet up as a sort of date to break the awkwardness.

Either way, I saw him later that evening, but felt awkward talking to someone who I’d spoken to online so much recently. So as it was, we didn’t speak very much. The next morning I woke up regretting the lack of conversation. I thought about how I should have spoken up more, but because of my lack of self confidence I hadn’t.

That morning my friend texted me saying that when the guy had been drunk the night before, one of my friends had made out with him. This took me by surprise, but afterall the girls in our group did that because he was “New meat”. I tried to forget about it and focused on our night out that Saturday night. I thought I would get more of a chance to talk to him and thought I’d understand whether he sent signals intentionally.

I thought I still had a chance, until a girl who’d come out with us started making out with him. I then had to stand and watch them all evening. After that I thought I must have got everything wrong. Especially when I was told that the girl had gone to see him the next morning to discuss a relationship.

He did end up starting a relationship with the girl, so I was confused about what had happened the weeks beforehand.

I didn’t speak to him for a few weeks after. When I eventually did he told me he didn’t like the girl and didn’t want a relationship with her. But because some of my friends and the girl had said he couldn’t just use her and throw her away, he said he’d try it. A few weeks in he was regretting his decision.

Last week, I was talking to him online, as per usual, when he admitted that that weekend he actually wanted to get closer to me and start a relationship with me. He told me that he hadn’t liked any of the others but me, and now he was stuck in a relationship with the wrong girl. I knew I hadn’t read the signals wrong! He said that after I didn’t speak much on the Friday, he guessed I wasn’t interested in him. I then admitted that I thought we would get closer, but was very confused when we didn’t talk and when he made out with my other friends. However, being a single guy, I would have expected him to act in such a way.

Last weekend, he came to see us again. Everytime his girlfriend left his side he told me he was making a mistake. He said that if I would have spoken up that Friday or if I would’ve picked him up from the station he wouldn’t have been in a relationship with her. Which of course filled me with regret.

How had I been so stupid as to read and then misread the signals of this guy?

He told me he wanted a relationship that was going to last, because as much as he loved single life, he just wanted to be in a relationship with someone who he could treat and take out to dinner – someone who he actually liked.

I told him that it would be sad if he broke up with the girl he was with, but as a friend I advised him that it wasn’t fair to lead someone on if he didn’t like them.

On Sunday he broke up with her, and now I am very confused as to what the situation is and whether he still likes me after everything. We’re still talking online, and to be honest I’d still be happy as friends. But, at least I know that if anything happened I’d have to pace it out to become best friends with him, so that he would be sure whether he wanted a relationship or not. He is afterall, very much a single guy and I can’t help but be scared that he would hurt me by going off with someone else.

Finally, I learned on Sunday night, that after pushing his girlfriend off and not being affectionate with her In front of me that Friday, they still ended up going back to hers and having sex. His excuse was that once she started doing things to him, it was very hard to say no. This hurt me, partly because he told me he didn’t want anything like that to happen.

This has left me more confused than before. Now I’m not sure whether I should allow this guy a chance at a relationship or not. My options are A) walk away and just stay friends or B) make him work hard if he wants anything with me.

One of my friends warned me off that he’s not a relationship guy. But, other friends are still in long term relationships with similar guys and said that they were best friends before they became a couple, which then meant the guy did want a relationship and hasn’t cheated or hurt them since.

So I can’t help but think that even though he’s not currently a relationship guy, then maybe I could be the one to change that.

Either way, I could do with some advice on the situation. Feel free to comment.

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I thought Men were like elastic bands?

So, a few days ago I met up with a guy i’d been seeing for a while, and we went out shopping, watched a film and went for a meal. However, he seemed to be acting weird. I couldn’t point out anything definite, but he wasn’t how he usually was with me. I was racking my brain wondering what I had done wrong. He got annoyed finding the car park, when we watched the film he wanted to concentrate rather than do couple-y things like kiss or cuddle, and then when we went for the meal out it was like he couldn’t eat it any faster so he could take me home. On the way back he said he’d just go home and go to bed rather than come in.

At that point I confronted him. What was his problem? Apparently i’d been clingy, especially when I saw his parents last week and HE put HIS arm around ME. He then said that it had scared him when I said we should book somewhere for Valentines day, and when I told him that I would be going on holiday in June, but knew it was too soon for us to go on holiday together. He then asked me what kind of relationship I thought we were in, well after he’d shared all of those thoughts with me all I could say was, “A fun one?”. Instead he said we were in a serious relationship and that Ideally he wanted to be in the big serious one where we would get married etc. This completely confused me.

After I left he didn’t text me that evening, he didn’t text me on the Saturday or Sunday and briefly text me on the Monday. Of course then I started freaking out. Why had he acted that way?

Then I remembered a book I’d started reading a while ago: “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus”. There was a Chapter stating that Men were like rubber bands, sometimes when they were in a relationship they would freak out because of how intimate they were being with another person. It said that they needed their space and they needed to be independent for a while. It also said that Women were like waves, and that sometimes when a Man did this, it triggered a Woman’s wave to crash. She would start worrying about what she had done. Well this sounded familiar, so I gave him his space. I accepted that he would come springing back once he had had the space he needed.

Until, he decided to break up with me yesterday afternoon. He had spoken to his friends and they had agreed that he shouldn’t be in a relationship with me. Which bothers me because he spoke to his friends about his feelings before discussing a possible solution with me. Apparently, that Friday we had argued, but as far as I’m concerned that wasn’t an argument. He said he needed to be in a relationship where he was happy ALL THE TIME. But, I honestly don’t think that kind of relationship exists.

Something I wonder is, if he is so keen on being in a serious relationship, why is it that he doesn’t stay with anyone past the first few months? To me, it sounds like he doesn’t know what he wants. It sounds like he is more in love with the idea of love, than actually working at a relationship.

So of course I’ve cried, and i’ve eaten chocolate and Ben and Jerry’s. And i’ve thought about it, and what I could have done wrong. But, what annoys me the most is that no matter how much he spoke about his feelings, he didn’t actually explain why he broke up with me. So, now I have agreed not to punish myself, instead I am surrounding myself with my friends and i’m trying to get back to normal. Because, it is hard breaking up with someone, no matter how long it’s been. So sometimes i’ll just feel pure hatred towards him, but sometimes I feel so upset that I know that if he came back and asked for another chance, i’d give it to him. I’m confused and fed up. It’s hard to break up with someone and move on once you’ve been so intimate with someone. I feel disappointed, I feel used and I can’t believe how foolish I was to let him lead me on. Obviously, he isn’t the guy for me after all.

The only conclusion I have is that this rubber band doesn’t know that he can stretch and come back. He only thinks he can snap.