Relationship (optional)

Recently I’ve become really fed up of one particular question: “So, what’s new in your love life?”.

This question really irritates me. 1. Why the hell should it matter to the person asking? I personally don’t believe your love life matters to anyone but yourself. So it grates me when people who I rarely speak to ask that question. Furthermore, I only know they are asking that question because they are after gossip. If a genuine friend asked me that question I would be comfortable in giving a truthful answer, as I know that it would just be a question of interest, rather than them being nosy.

2. I always hate the response. It’s usually sympathetic, which leaves me saying, “Why would you think I’m unhappy on my own?”. At the moment, I am thoroughly enjoying being single. I can go out with my friends when I want, I can have a lazy Saturday evening and watch a film with my mum if I want, I can spend my own money on what I want rather than on going out with a boyfriend and when I go on holiday I can actually have a fantastic time and turn my phone off without feeling guilty that I’m not speaking to anyone. Furthermore, I am often busy, therefore I am sure a boyfriend would become increasingly frustrated after saying, “Sorry I can’t meet up tonight because of…” 20 times.

I have just done my A2 level exams, so for the past 6 months I haven’t been interested in boys whatsoever. I told myself that 6 months was a very small percentage of my life, but so incredibly important that I didn’t want a boyfriend to ruin that for me. So I’m single and now because I have been single for a while I am enjoying myself. I’m starting to think, “I’m only giving up being single if the next guy is worth it”.

One of the things that annoyed me about giving up guys for my education was that some of my friends really didn’t understand. They didn’t understand that my education could be that important to me, and would again give me the sympathetic look as if I was making up excuses. So friends would try and set me up, and it wouldn’t work out because I was always so busy revising and studying to care about what’s-his-name, who I would have to break up with before my exams or uni anyway.

WHAT IS THE POINT???

However, now my a levels are over, I still can’t find the enthusiasm to look for a relationship. I enjoy asking my friends if they want to meet up, without thinking, “I should really ask my other half first”. I LIKE BEING ALONE. I am independent and enjoy having fun alone. Furthermore, I enjoy the thrill of a night out and thinking, “Something could happen tonight. I could meet a random guy. Talk to him, make out with him and NOT FEEL GUILTY. Plus he’d probably never talk to me again, and I wouldn’t feel upset”.

Another thing which is beginning to frustrate me is that my friends don’t seem to understand the concept of dating; they all dive head first into relationships.  They seem to believe that if you like someone and they like you back then you start a relationship. Well… Traditionally it is best to DATE first. You know where you go out to the cinema or go out for a meal and almost road test the person to see if they are good relationship material, before telling the world that you are together. My friends tend to tell everyone on Facebook that they are together, and then go on dates with the person. Sometimes I don’t think they even go on dates. It’s so backward!

I personally prefer the idea of dating to being “in a relationship” (in my friends sense). There just seems to be more freedom. Yes, you are seeing the person, but you’re both so much more independent. You’re not inclined to talk every second of every day. You actually go out into the outside world, rather than just sitting watching TV at home together. Furthermore, if you don’t like each other after that first date, then you don’t have to bother again. Moreover, there shouldn’t be an emotional attachment at such an early stage.

I don’t like labelling, but I could create a whole different post based on that. But, I feel like people who immediately put on facebook that they are in a relationship, before they have been on a single date, are really just doing so to claim the other person. It’s like they’re pinning a massive sign to them saying, “Yes, he is mine, so hands off bitches”. I’m sure in the dating world, although you are dating, you’re not particularly tied down to that person – you are not committed.

Finally, the worst thing is that although we are only teenagers, people still seem to be in serious relationships. At least that’s how it seems. For me the minute you start making future plans together, even just going on holiday, that makes it serious. Or, when people start talking about how it’ll work when we’re all at uni. I personally believe that we’re too young to be having such serious relationships. We’re 18, we can do what we want, be who we want to be and be with who we want, leave all the serious stuff till later!

I know we’re not talking about getting married or having kids yet, but we are still discussing the serious equivalents for our age. Sure at the moment it’s only a holiday, but some years down the line that will be a house or a baby, and before you know it you’re married at 25 with two kids, and you’re wondering where the hell your life went.

This is just my opinion. I have nothing against teenage mothers, or people who just decide they want to get serious faster, I just think we should step back for a second and remember how old we are. We’re only just adults, so stop thinking relationships are serious and vital, and have fun while you can!

Why can’t my love life be simple?

Okay, so I’ve been friends with this guy for quite a while. He’s one of those guys that’s just a friend, but i’ve always wondered if something more would happen.

He doesn’t live nearby, so a few weeks ago he said he was going to stay at one of my friends for a few days. He told me this a few weeks before, so we ended up talking more and more. Then I noticed he was sending me signals. Putting hearts at the end of messages and saying about how my ex boyfriend was lucky to have me, even though it didn’t work out. However, because I have misinterpreted things before with guys, I decided to ignore the signals. We had this whole plan that I would pick him up from the station and then we’d get something to eat. But because of the snow my mum had forbidden me to drive anywhere. Little did I know he’d arranged to meet up as a sort of date to break the awkwardness.

Either way, I saw him later that evening, but felt awkward talking to someone who I’d spoken to online so much recently. So as it was, we didn’t speak very much. The next morning I woke up regretting the lack of conversation. I thought about how I should have spoken up more, but because of my lack of self confidence I hadn’t.

That morning my friend texted me saying that when the guy had been drunk the night before, one of my friends had made out with him. This took me by surprise, but afterall the girls in our group did that because he was “New meat”. I tried to forget about it and focused on our night out that Saturday night. I thought I would get more of a chance to talk to him and thought I’d understand whether he sent signals intentionally.

I thought I still had a chance, until a girl who’d come out with us started making out with him. I then had to stand and watch them all evening. After that I thought I must have got everything wrong. Especially when I was told that the girl had gone to see him the next morning to discuss a relationship.

He did end up starting a relationship with the girl, so I was confused about what had happened the weeks beforehand.

I didn’t speak to him for a few weeks after. When I eventually did he told me he didn’t like the girl and didn’t want a relationship with her. But because some of my friends and the girl had said he couldn’t just use her and throw her away, he said he’d try it. A few weeks in he was regretting his decision.

Last week, I was talking to him online, as per usual, when he admitted that that weekend he actually wanted to get closer to me and start a relationship with me. He told me that he hadn’t liked any of the others but me, and now he was stuck in a relationship with the wrong girl. I knew I hadn’t read the signals wrong! He said that after I didn’t speak much on the Friday, he guessed I wasn’t interested in him. I then admitted that I thought we would get closer, but was very confused when we didn’t talk and when he made out with my other friends. However, being a single guy, I would have expected him to act in such a way.

Last weekend, he came to see us again. Everytime his girlfriend left his side he told me he was making a mistake. He said that if I would have spoken up that Friday or if I would’ve picked him up from the station he wouldn’t have been in a relationship with her. Which of course filled me with regret.

How had I been so stupid as to read and then misread the signals of this guy?

He told me he wanted a relationship that was going to last, because as much as he loved single life, he just wanted to be in a relationship with someone who he could treat and take out to dinner – someone who he actually liked.

I told him that it would be sad if he broke up with the girl he was with, but as a friend I advised him that it wasn’t fair to lead someone on if he didn’t like them.

On Sunday he broke up with her, and now I am very confused as to what the situation is and whether he still likes me after everything. We’re still talking online, and to be honest I’d still be happy as friends. But, at least I know that if anything happened I’d have to pace it out to become best friends with him, so that he would be sure whether he wanted a relationship or not. He is afterall, very much a single guy and I can’t help but be scared that he would hurt me by going off with someone else.

Finally, I learned on Sunday night, that after pushing his girlfriend off and not being affectionate with her In front of me that Friday, they still ended up going back to hers and having sex. His excuse was that once she started doing things to him, it was very hard to say no. This hurt me, partly because he told me he didn’t want anything like that to happen.

This has left me more confused than before. Now I’m not sure whether I should allow this guy a chance at a relationship or not. My options are A) walk away and just stay friends or B) make him work hard if he wants anything with me.

One of my friends warned me off that he’s not a relationship guy. But, other friends are still in long term relationships with similar guys and said that they were best friends before they became a couple, which then meant the guy did want a relationship and hasn’t cheated or hurt them since.

So I can’t help but think that even though he’s not currently a relationship guy, then maybe I could be the one to change that.

Either way, I could do with some advice on the situation. Feel free to comment.

EUREKA! My major breakthrough

So over the past few days I’ve come up with a new theory on why men walk.

My theory is that when a guy leaves quickly or treats you badly, or gives the excuse “I don’t want a relationship” or does want a relationship but isn’t willing to put in the effort, then he has been hurt in the past.

For example, my ex broke up with me suddenly a month and a half in saying he was confused. He told me he wanted that serious relationship where you get married, but told me I was talking about the future too much when I made a reference to Valentines day. Then I remembered that his first serious girlfriend  cheated on him. Not only that but he walked in and found her in bed with another guy. Since then he has had a string of unsuccessful relationships that only lasted a max of 4 months. 

  • When I spoke to one of my guy friends yesterday he said he couldn’t stand being in a relationship, I asked but he said he didn’t know why. So I used the same logic. I asked him, “When was your last relationship?”, he replied “Last year” and told me it ended because he slept with another girl. I told him I wanted him to dig deeper. Had he ever been hurt in a relationship?

     

     

    He told me about his first serious relationship and first love. After losing his virginity to her he was head over heels. At the time they both lived in Tenerife. She went on holiday to the UK for a week. She didn’t come back after the 1st week but said she’d stay another. She didn’t come back again and said she’d be staying for a month. At the end of that month she didn’t come back and he demanded to know the truth.

     

     

    She had moved to the UK, but didn’t want to tell him the truth as she didn’t want to lose him.

     

     

  • My conclusion: after a guy has been hurt he does not want to make that kind of commitment and does not want to be as open with a girl again, because he is scared he will be hurt just like the last time. Until he let’s himself open up and relax in a relationship, he will maintain this endless cycle of one night stands or short term relationships always wondering what it would be like to be in love again.   

Wait… it’s my life, not yours.

So after everything that’s happened the past few days, it’s understandable that my mum wants to be here for me and support me. At first I thought it was lovely that she cared so much. She wanted to know everything that had happened and kept asking how things were and whether he’d spoken to me.

But, now it feels like we’ve got the same conversation on repeat; we discuss the issues about the guy I was seeing. However,  now I’m getting over it, she keeps bringing it up and talking about it and seems more concerned than I do. She told me I’ll find someone else. Great, exactly what I want to hear. But now she’s telling me what I can and can’t do, and who I can talk to.

I told her that I’d been talking to a friend I hadn’t spoken to in a while. I spoke to him for the first time in a long time last night. He has always just been my friend, and I’m not sure whether it will amount to anything else, but at the moment I don’t care because I want to be single for a while. He spoke to me again tonight because we both agreed that we cannot lose touch again.

However,  when I mentioned that he’d spoken again, she immediately jumped to conclusions that I was going to be something more with this guy. I tried telling her that he is JUST a friend. I go to an all girls school, so it is nice to talk to guys from time to time.

I do not talk to him differently. I do NOT flirt or hint about anything. I just talk. Like I would with my friends from school.

Why is it so hard for my mum to understand that I am only friends with this guy?

I’ve come to the conclusion that although I want to tell her a lot of things about my life, I obviously can’t talk about guy friends anymore, as she jumps to conclusions and lectures me.

Any advice is appreciated.

I thought Men were like elastic bands?

So, a few days ago I met up with a guy i’d been seeing for a while, and we went out shopping, watched a film and went for a meal. However, he seemed to be acting weird. I couldn’t point out anything definite, but he wasn’t how he usually was with me. I was racking my brain wondering what I had done wrong. He got annoyed finding the car park, when we watched the film he wanted to concentrate rather than do couple-y things like kiss or cuddle, and then when we went for the meal out it was like he couldn’t eat it any faster so he could take me home. On the way back he said he’d just go home and go to bed rather than come in.

At that point I confronted him. What was his problem? Apparently i’d been clingy, especially when I saw his parents last week and HE put HIS arm around ME. He then said that it had scared him when I said we should book somewhere for Valentines day, and when I told him that I would be going on holiday in June, but knew it was too soon for us to go on holiday together. He then asked me what kind of relationship I thought we were in, well after he’d shared all of those thoughts with me all I could say was, “A fun one?”. Instead he said we were in a serious relationship and that Ideally he wanted to be in the big serious one where we would get married etc. This completely confused me.

After I left he didn’t text me that evening, he didn’t text me on the Saturday or Sunday and briefly text me on the Monday. Of course then I started freaking out. Why had he acted that way?

Then I remembered a book I’d started reading a while ago: “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus”. There was a Chapter stating that Men were like rubber bands, sometimes when they were in a relationship they would freak out because of how intimate they were being with another person. It said that they needed their space and they needed to be independent for a while. It also said that Women were like waves, and that sometimes when a Man did this, it triggered a Woman’s wave to crash. She would start worrying about what she had done. Well this sounded familiar, so I gave him his space. I accepted that he would come springing back once he had had the space he needed.

Until, he decided to break up with me yesterday afternoon. He had spoken to his friends and they had agreed that he shouldn’t be in a relationship with me. Which bothers me because he spoke to his friends about his feelings before discussing a possible solution with me. Apparently, that Friday we had argued, but as far as I’m concerned that wasn’t an argument. He said he needed to be in a relationship where he was happy ALL THE TIME. But, I honestly don’t think that kind of relationship exists.

Something I wonder is, if he is so keen on being in a serious relationship, why is it that he doesn’t stay with anyone past the first few months? To me, it sounds like he doesn’t know what he wants. It sounds like he is more in love with the idea of love, than actually working at a relationship.

So of course I’ve cried, and i’ve eaten chocolate and Ben and Jerry’s. And i’ve thought about it, and what I could have done wrong. But, what annoys me the most is that no matter how much he spoke about his feelings, he didn’t actually explain why he broke up with me. So, now I have agreed not to punish myself, instead I am surrounding myself with my friends and i’m trying to get back to normal. Because, it is hard breaking up with someone, no matter how long it’s been. So sometimes i’ll just feel pure hatred towards him, but sometimes I feel so upset that I know that if he came back and asked for another chance, i’d give it to him. I’m confused and fed up. It’s hard to break up with someone and move on once you’ve been so intimate with someone. I feel disappointed, I feel used and I can’t believe how foolish I was to let him lead me on. Obviously, he isn’t the guy for me after all.

The only conclusion I have is that this rubber band doesn’t know that he can stretch and come back. He only thinks he can snap.

A “Brief” introduction

I was reading a friends blog today and found it very interesting. Her advice has helped me, and has influenced me to write my own blog. 

The idea of my blog is not to complain or moan about daily events, but to share my frustration. Don’t get me wrong, I love my life. I love my friends, I go to a great school, I like my body, everything sounds fine, right?

Well sometimes in my life, events – big and small – take me by surprise and just annoy me. They can make me ridiculously upset or they can make me outraged with the universe.

Sometimes you just need to share your frustration, but cannot always post on twitter or facebook as people will just complain about the length.

So I shall leave my little thoughts on this new blog to make myself feel better and share my feelings on the little things in life.