Why can’t my love life be simple?

Okay, so I’ve been friends with this guy for quite a while. He’s one of those guys that’s just a friend, but i’ve always wondered if something more would happen.

He doesn’t live nearby, so a few weeks ago he said he was going to stay at one of my friends for a few days. He told me this a few weeks before, so we ended up talking more and more. Then I noticed he was sending me signals. Putting hearts at the end of messages and saying about how my ex boyfriend was lucky to have me, even though it didn’t work out. However, because I have misinterpreted things before with guys, I decided to ignore the signals. We had this whole plan that I would pick him up from the station and then we’d get something to eat. But because of the snow my mum had forbidden me to drive anywhere. Little did I know he’d arranged to meet up as a sort of date to break the awkwardness.

Either way, I saw him later that evening, but felt awkward talking to someone who I’d spoken to online so much recently. So as it was, we didn’t speak very much. The next morning I woke up regretting the lack of conversation. I thought about how I should have spoken up more, but because of my lack of self confidence I hadn’t.

That morning my friend texted me saying that when the guy had been drunk the night before, one of my friends had made out with him. This took me by surprise, but afterall the girls in our group did that because he was “New meat”. I tried to forget about it and focused on our night out that Saturday night. I thought I would get more of a chance to talk to him and thought I’d understand whether he sent signals intentionally.

I thought I still had a chance, until a girl who’d come out with us started making out with him. I then had to stand and watch them all evening. After that I thought I must have got everything wrong. Especially when I was told that the girl had gone to see him the next morning to discuss a relationship.

He did end up starting a relationship with the girl, so I was confused about what had happened the weeks beforehand.

I didn’t speak to him for a few weeks after. When I eventually did he told me he didn’t like the girl and didn’t want a relationship with her. But because some of my friends and the girl had said he couldn’t just use her and throw her away, he said he’d try it. A few weeks in he was regretting his decision.

Last week, I was talking to him online, as per usual, when he admitted that that weekend he actually wanted to get closer to me and start a relationship with me. He told me that he hadn’t liked any of the others but me, and now he was stuck in a relationship with the wrong girl. I knew I hadn’t read the signals wrong! He said that after I didn’t speak much on the Friday, he guessed I wasn’t interested in him. I then admitted that I thought we would get closer, but was very confused when we didn’t talk and when he made out with my other friends. However, being a single guy, I would have expected him to act in such a way.

Last weekend, he came to see us again. Everytime his girlfriend left his side he told me he was making a mistake. He said that if I would have spoken up that Friday or if I would’ve picked him up from the station he wouldn’t have been in a relationship with her. Which of course filled me with regret.

How had I been so stupid as to read and then misread the signals of this guy?

He told me he wanted a relationship that was going to last, because as much as he loved single life, he just wanted to be in a relationship with someone who he could treat and take out to dinner – someone who he actually liked.

I told him that it would be sad if he broke up with the girl he was with, but as a friend I advised him that it wasn’t fair to lead someone on if he didn’t like them.

On Sunday he broke up with her, and now I am very confused as to what the situation is and whether he still likes me after everything. We’re still talking online, and to be honest I’d still be happy as friends. But, at least I know that if anything happened I’d have to pace it out to become best friends with him, so that he would be sure whether he wanted a relationship or not. He is afterall, very much a single guy and I can’t help but be scared that he would hurt me by going off with someone else.

Finally, I learned on Sunday night, that after pushing his girlfriend off and not being affectionate with her In front of me that Friday, they still ended up going back to hers and having sex. His excuse was that once she started doing things to him, it was very hard to say no. This hurt me, partly because he told me he didn’t want anything like that to happen.

This has left me more confused than before. Now I’m not sure whether I should allow this guy a chance at a relationship or not. My options are A) walk away and just stay friends or B) make him work hard if he wants anything with me.

One of my friends warned me off that he’s not a relationship guy. But, other friends are still in long term relationships with similar guys and said that they were best friends before they became a couple, which then meant the guy did want a relationship and hasn’t cheated or hurt them since.

So I can’t help but think that even though he’s not currently a relationship guy, then maybe I could be the one to change that.

Either way, I could do with some advice on the situation. Feel free to comment.

EUREKA! My major breakthrough

So over the past few days I’ve come up with a new theory on why men walk.

My theory is that when a guy leaves quickly or treats you badly, or gives the excuse “I don’t want a relationship” or does want a relationship but isn’t willing to put in the effort, then he has been hurt in the past.

For example, my ex broke up with me suddenly a month and a half in saying he was confused. He told me he wanted that serious relationship where you get married, but told me I was talking about the future too much when I made a reference to Valentines day. Then I remembered that his first serious girlfriend  cheated on him. Not only that but he walked in and found her in bed with another guy. Since then he has had a string of unsuccessful relationships that only lasted a max of 4 months. 

  • When I spoke to one of my guy friends yesterday he said he couldn’t stand being in a relationship, I asked but he said he didn’t know why. So I used the same logic. I asked him, “When was your last relationship?”, he replied “Last year” and told me it ended because he slept with another girl. I told him I wanted him to dig deeper. Had he ever been hurt in a relationship?

     

     

    He told me about his first serious relationship and first love. After losing his virginity to her he was head over heels. At the time they both lived in Tenerife. She went on holiday to the UK for a week. She didn’t come back after the 1st week but said she’d stay another. She didn’t come back again and said she’d be staying for a month. At the end of that month she didn’t come back and he demanded to know the truth.

     

     

    She had moved to the UK, but didn’t want to tell him the truth as she didn’t want to lose him.

     

     

  • My conclusion: after a guy has been hurt he does not want to make that kind of commitment and does not want to be as open with a girl again, because he is scared he will be hurt just like the last time. Until he let’s himself open up and relax in a relationship, he will maintain this endless cycle of one night stands or short term relationships always wondering what it would be like to be in love again.